I was a jerk.
Last night, J was absolutely sweet, pliant, and perfect. I enjoyed his company and I enjoyed every inch of his beautiful body… for hours and hours.
Toying with him for so long got me so fucking hot and I got to the point where I needed to come. The frustration was maddening–I felt like screaming inside my head. I was hot enough and wet enough and desperate enough to gather up the courage to pull out the vibrator (I’ve never really used a vibrator with someone before and I don’t like the idea).
It sounded like a jet engine and the whole thing made me feel stupid and totally unsexy. Using a vibrator to get off when I’m with my partner feels vulnerable in a way that’s uncomfortable for me. Besides that, manning the vibrator isn’t a guarantee that I’ll have an orgasm, and I hate not being in control of something I should be in control of–my own body.
Of course, about five minutes into the buzzing, I started thinking about how long it was taking. Ten minutes in, I started wondering what J was thinking about. Fifteen minutes in, I started feeling as if J was watching me perform some sort of mechanical tune-up on my girl parts. Twenty minutes in, I considered faking it (swear to goodness, I was masturbating myself and I considered faking…). I looked at J and he looked bored.
I’m sure he wasn’t bored, and I know I’m not supposed to give a fuck whether he is or not, but that was enough of an excuse for me to give up. I was frustrated and I felt stupid and he looked bored and so I threw the vibrator across the room. Really. I’m that mature.
As the vibrator hurdled through the bedroom airspace, I felt at least twice as stupid as I did when I turned the damn thing on.
Obviously, play time was over when I flung the vibrator at the wall.
But that wasn’t the mistake–there’s nothing wrong with flying sex toys. My mistake was in my behavior afterwards–I got cold with J in a way I shouldn’t have. All I could think of was how embarrassed and stupid I felt and I ignored everything else, including J.
I didn’t engage in the small sorts of aftercare activities that I typically enjoy with J. I love that stuff (in fact, I hate calling it “aftercare”–it’s too clinical a term for what I do when I love him sweet, pet him, and make sure he knows he’s owned and loved). I didn’t really talk to him, I didn’t touch him, I barely even looked at him. I even denied him when he asked for a hug and kiss goodnight. I was awful.
I left him feeling open, raw, and exposed. J isn’t emotionally needy, but I denied him what little he needed and I did it in the worst possible way.
I called him today to apologize for my behavior and he was sweet, gracious, and understanding in such a way that simultaneously warmed my heart and made me feel all the more terrible about my behavior.
I don’t want to hurt my boy (not that way), and I promise I won’t be so careless or so thoughtless again.
Yanno, I read Charlie Glickman's blog, and he said something that really stuck with me when he said, "Shame is the emotion of disconnection."
I think a lot of us, male and female, wish that our sexual response was different than it actually is. Lots of men seem to want to last longer, or have less fickle erectile response. Women seem to want to be able to come faster, or to be able to come from different kinds of stimulation than they actually do.
And it seems like people experience a lot of shame and frustration when their actual sexual response differs from what they wish that it was.
What could J have said at that moment to make you feel more okay about the experience? Did you want to hear that he finds you desirable? That it's okay for him not to be the focus of the action 100%? That he thinks it's really hot to watch you get off (which he might indeed feel)? That he appreciates you letting him see something vulnerable and tender even when it doesn't "work"?
@Lily: "What could J have said at that moment to make you feel more okay about the experience? Did you want to hear that he finds you desirable? That it's okay for him not to be the focus of the action 100%? That he thinks it's really hot to watch you get off (which he might indeed feel)? That he appreciates you letting him see something vulnerable and tender even when it doesn't "work"?"
I don't think I know yet. I realize that sounds silly, but taking that sort of pleasure from a partner (or sharing it, whatever) is something that's pretty new for me (and it's kind of a big deal in my world). I'd love to tell him what I want and what I need, but I don't know what that is yet.
That can't be easy for him. It's one of the things I'm still working on as a dominant–articulating what I want. I can't tell him what I want if I don't know what that is.
Again, silly of me, but with the exception of my horrible behavior, I'm actually kind of proud of myself that I broke the vibration barrier and finally tried it.
Holy fuck… that is silly. I'm more than eager to stick ginger in places it shouldn't go, chain him to the wall, and do any number of other things I couldn't have imagined myself doing a year ago… but a vibrator? That's just too weird for me!
As the vibrator hurdled through the bedroom airspace, I felt at least twice as stupid as I did when I turned the damn thing on.
No reason to feel stupid at all. Hell, I do the same thing with laptops and other expensive electronic toys and it doesn't bother me a bit. In fact, in feels kinda good to know that the insolent piece of crap that wouldn't do what I wanted will never fuck with anyone again…. Well, I thinks that's right.
If only I could toss submissives as easily… I'll keep working out my pecs and deltwats (or whatever muscle group one needs to toss a boy).
Deltwats are on the Ferns-approved workout plan, right? :)
Yes, that's all part of the plan. (pecs and stuff) Start now and in no time at all, you too can become a super awesome, boy throwing, uber-Domme.