Mar 282012

Quick recap: A couple of months ago, I finally told J (my current sex partner or whatever the fuck he is) that I faked orgasms with him… I lied about every single one. I’ve never had an orgasm with him, but I really really want to… and so, here’s another installment in what I’m calling “the orgasm project.”


rudimentary tools and brute force

I’ve never masturbated to orgasm in front of a partner.

My masturbation isn’t pretty. It’s not attractive, definitely not sexy, and I doubt it’s even interesting to watch. Ok, maybe watching me masturbate to orgasm would be interesting in the same way that watching an maladroit monkey use rudimentary tools to crack open a coconut would be interesting.

Interesting, maybe, but definitely not sexy.

I don’t engage in any of the sexy self-foreplay that I’ve read about others doing. I don’t take long, luxurious bubble baths first. I don’t light candles, don’t play soft music, and I don’t wear pretty lingerie. I rarely even fantasize. When I masturbate, I go to my bedroom, throw a towel down on the bed, pull up my skirt, kick off my panties, and I get it done.

Nothing about it is sexy. I don’t purse my lips gently nor do I make anything that might be considered “bedroom eyes.” I imagine the face I make when I’m really masturbating looks like the face I make when I’m trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube or the face I make when I’m straining to unscrew a stuck jar lid.

unscrewing a jar or screwing myself?

I don’t make soft, sexy moaning sounds. The sounds I make are more like snarls and grunted expletives.

I don’t breathe heavy… I pant. I don’t blush or “glow.” My face turns bright red and I sweat… a lot.

When orgasm is imminent, I’m fairly sure there’s an equal and inverse relationship between the time/distance to orgasm and my degree of sexiness–as I approach orgasm, I become less and less sexy.

The graph below illustrates this relationship. As you can see, the closer I get to orgasm, the more I look like a fapping monkey.

(I know, I know. This probably isn’t an “equal and inverse” relationship. I already said I’m a fapping monkey… you think I understand graphs? I don’t do math. Anyone who feels the need to correct me can go shove a plot point in their x axis…)

Sure. I’ve touched myself in front of partners before, but it’s always been for show, for teasing, for the sole purpose of looking sexy. I can do sexy… with gentle touches, soft strokes, purposefully pursed lips, and well-articulated, delicate moans of faux-pleasure. But it’s all an act–I don’t touch myself thinking I could actually get off. When I’m with a partner, I touch myself to look sexy, to be sexy… not to feel good. (Although, feeling sexy does make feel good, just not in the OMG-I’m-going-to-come kind of way.)

I know the sexy touching won’t do it for me. It’s even rare that I can get myself off with just my hand. I’ve only been able to do that three or four times (ever). Generally, I need a vibrator–either the kind that goes inside and also stimulates my clit (like a rabbit) or a dildo and heavy-duty vibrator (like a jackhammer). Also, I typically need to set the vibrator on “stun” to get me where I need to go.

So, that’s the unsexy truth of the matter. I don’t want to masturbate in front of anyone because it’s fucking ugly.

Besides that, I don’t want to masturbate when I’m with someone because I don’t want to get myself off… I want my partner to get me off. I don’t want to use a vibrator… I want to use my partner.

I want, I want, I want.

I want, but it appears that I can’t have what I want…

(to be continued, of course… as part of “the orgasm project,” a.k.a. “I’m want to come, dammit!”)

  29 Responses to “fapping monkey masturbation”

  1. "I think you have a very romanticized version of what most women look like/do when they masturbate!"

    Of course I do. I've seen bad porn. :)

    With that said, I'm sure most women's masturbatory realities are somewhere between bubble baths and lingerie and hard and heavy monkey fapping. I imagine most women don't call it monkey fapping, but I am not most women. :D

  2. I'd still enjoy watching that. I'm guessing J will too.

  3. *laugh* I commented once somewhere that I was the most boring-est masturbator ever. I hardly move, I hardly make any sound, it's quick, it's functional, it's totally not interesting. A complete yawn-fest for any audience.

    I recently found a toy that worked in a g-spot kind of way, so the entertainment value (if that were a consideration!) suddenly went up a hundredfold if I use that.

    Having said that, any man who is close enough to watch you masturbate would *not* find it ugly. At all. I can 100% absolutely positively guarantee it (yeah, I know that doesn't make a bit of difference to how you *feel* about it, but you know, I HAVE to say it out loud!).

    "Besides that, I don't want to masturbate when I'm with someone because I don't want to get myself off… "

    I get this. It's different if you are doing it as an 'optional extra' part of sex play, but if it's 'the only way', I don't think I'd be all gung ho about it either.

    "…the orgasm project…"

    I look forward to the detailed project plan and weekly review meetings… heh.


  4. I think you have a very romanticized version of what most women look like/do when they masturbate! I think we're all a bit more like you than you suspect. Despite that, D really gets off on watching me.

  5. I am absolutely with @Liza in that. and yes, what you describe could totally be me. including that i usually don't go through the hassle to try it with my fingers, cause i will end up with a cramp in my hand (now THERE is something, that is not sexy at all :P ).
    so as i said, that description could totally be me. and you know what? they fucking love it. all that have ever seen it (not _that_ many, in fairness, but enough to have a nice statistically valid sample).
    the point is: it is not about what it objectively looks like. if you do that, any kind of sex/play/fun looks really ridiculous. even laughing does, then. what makes it sexy is the feelings behind the watching and that is something, you definitely can't grab with your logic :P (and yes, i also always try to do that!!)
    maybe it doesn't help, but maybe if told often enough, it weakens your resistance ;) women are incredibly sexy when they're masturbating. and all that pretty faking is nice, but you know, pure raw lust is much better…
    just my two cents

  6. @Peroxide: I'm so resisting the urge to find a youtube clip of a fapping monkey. My restraint should be praised. ;)

  7. @Ferns:

    Well, the weekly stats show that lubrication is up by a meager 12%, but after the installation of the new batteries, we predict that weekly orgasms may be up as much as 25% by the end of the third quarter…

  8. @m: "pure raw lust is much better…"

    My pure raw lust generally regresses into me yelling at my vibrator. Besides, I'm not sure that when I'm by myself that what I'm feeling is lust… it's more like desperation for release.

    And by the way, I appreciate all the cents/sense you can throw my way. :)

  9. "it's more like desperation for release"
    yeah, when i'm on my own it usually comes down to that, too. but doing it with somebody else, who i can see is totally enjoying watching me (and i avoid very hard to have a mirror somewhere near or even think about how i look – ya know orgasm face and the likes….), definitely turns it into the "pure raw lust" ;) oh and i love watching other people doing it. and of course as it is not myself, THEIR orgasm grunts and faces are totally sexy.
    p.s. i am really trying hard. but i can never tell, if the cent actually hit you or not :P

  10. I'm fairly certain that my sex/masturbation faces are quite frightening, and my ex compared my awesome-orgasm noises to someone being stabbed in a dark alley. So you're definitely not alone here, but I feel ya, and it sucks. It took a really long time and being with a really sweet partner for me to be comfortable giving myself clitoral orgasms in front of someone else.

  11. I also meant to say, best of luck to you with your ongoing project!

  12. @Unrepentant Fatty:

    Thank you! I'm absolutely LOVING all the ladies here admitting to making sounds like stabbings in dark alleys, experiencing massive finger cramps, and engaging in "boring" functional masturbation.

    I love boring, stabby-sounding, functional, crampy masturbating women! Yay!

  13. I have a halfpence-sized welt on the top of my left shoulder. I assume your cents/sense hit dead-on. Direct hit! Two points to m!

    But please… aim directly for my head next time, okay?

    If you're pelting me with cents/sense… you might as well aim for the place where it will have the most impact!!

    Ready… Aim… Pull!

  14. aaaaand FIRE!

  15. So I gave you a semi-dorky blog award. Check out today's post. I say nice things about you.

  16. Hey- I just found you through Liza's semi-dorky blog award. Consider this a mash note. Yer cute. xx L

  17. I'm duplicating Liza's award. Because you just deserve it that much. My post'll go up tomorrow, and yes, I say nice things about you too.

  18. Your masturbation probably isn't ugly to a typical hetero male or a standard kinky one, nor a woman of the female liking persuasion, much the same way genitals can simultaneously have roughly the same textures and look as other less loved mucus membranes carrying tissue in the body (ie noses and their nostrils) but humans get most lyrical about cunts and cocks.

    Me, I'm functioning under the assumption that my orgasms are always going to be a self generated thing and my empowerment regarding my partners is the demand that they stop trying and do things for me that I cannot do for myself- I cannot make myself a masochist out of thin air, but I can give myself all the orgasms I want, so the deal is to give me something to think about later.

    Mind you I sound gurgley and grunty as anyone, and I need to use a particular indirect technique that required me a year or practice to get right. The monkey isn't being fapped as much as bludgeoned to death- if I had to describe the required effort to another person I'd say pound a nail into the dining room table, put on a blindfold and try to smack a phone book alternating only a millimetre to the left or right of the nail without ever letting the book touch it.

  19. @Miss Pearl: "The monkey isn't being fapped as much as bludgeoned to death"

    Fuck the monkey… I mean, don't fuck the monkey, but FUCK THE MONKEY! Bludgeon that mofo if that's what it takes.

    Hmmm… have not considered phone books…

    If you'll excuse me, I have to go locate my "things to do" list.


  20. @Liza: Semi-dorky is better than full-dorky and no dorky at all. Thank you!

  21. Mash? I love things mashed! Thank you! (I am cute) :)

  22. @N. Likes: Thank you. But, but, but… Liza was first. She knew I was cool before I was cool. (am I cool?)

  23. I want to want that fapping monkey masturbate more then ever. Total turn on.

  24. Ha ha ha I laughed at this, you sound like me, I sweat like a pig, get tangled up in my sheets and grunt like a lumberjack. I need a huge purple dildo and lube and a mains-powered wand vibrator set on warp speed and I’m good to go. I don’t know if I would manage to let go enough to bring myself in front of somebody else either, I feel your pain

  25. I really need to know if, in all the monkey-fapping, I’m the only one who’s fallen off the bed?

  26. I have fallen off the bed, popped the breaker, almost broke my vibrator in half…. But that was after a long tease and denial session… (Back before I discovered I was a Domme and not a submissive)

    • Glad to know I’m not the only clumsy lady around here. I haven’t fallen off the bed yet, but it’s only a matter of time. :)

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