This episode, a conversation with a friend about being a client, hiding your desires from the one you love, discovering new sides to yourself and how it changes your outlook on life.
A new feature on the show, questions from you! Â Just go to the website and fill out the form of the front page to have your question answered by one of the guests.
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Music for this episode provided by a bunch of dudes on the subway.
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A great and awesome episode! I am very sympathetic about the guest’s situation, and as he says, he’s “fairly new” to it (I’m not sure what that means, time-wise) and he just came out to his therapist. Way to go there!
But I’m going to channel my inner Dan Savage now. Your guest says he doesn’t want to jeopardize his marriage. But you know what, he’s jeopardizing it. Here he is being (re)born, finding out who he is and being so changed that people remark on it. It is arguably one of the more important times in his life â€“ and he’s not sharing it with his wife. His wife needs to know. She needs to be able to share this with him, as well, this road of discoveries. From the sidelines or directly, who knows. I was surprised to hear that they had already been tying each other up â€“ there must be a certain openness there.
But your guest, of course, needs to be able to own it, too. Because it’s clear that he would not stop if she demanded it, and he must be able to say that. If the relationship really is as great as the guest says, then the wife will probably also hesitate before leaving him. But at least he would have been honest instead of her finding out years later that all this has been going on behind her back, that her newly confident husband became so by lying to her.
I know this is armchair reasoning, and I hope your guest will talk to his therapist about finding the right moment, but I don’t think he should wait many months or even years. Some day, he will come home with marks that can’t be excused away, or a bill will turn up, or…
That said, I think it’s awesome that the guest made the steps to find out about him, that he is on this journey, and the fact that he told his therapist is a good sign that he won’t keep it to himself forever.
I didn’t catch the name of your guest but it’s wonderful to hear someone who is so honest with himself. It takes a fair amount of bravery to take such a big step.
Great podcast! I enjoyed this one (almost) as much as the ones where I learn more about the Dommes. Very honest and open and reminded me of the excitement I feel. Well done!
I disagree with Patrick a bit. Having listening to just about all of Dan Savage’s podcasts in the last month and a half, Dan would say to approach your wife and assess her acceptance. He did that and was shut down. So Dan would say to “do what you gotta do”, sometimes that is what it takes to save a marriage. Sometimes there is an implicit don’t ask don’t tell policy, and sometimes it is purely behind the back. We might also say to take baby steps with the wife; nipple sucking moving to tweaking, to pinching, etc., over a course of months or years.
I’m not sure that married guys who play w/o spouses are always welcome in the leather community, as stated in the podcast. Some lifestyle groups and others don’t want them because of risks of a wife finding out, going ballistic, and punishing the group. But Sade was right on with her view of coming out submissive vs dominant — that was a real show highlight!
Again, awesome podcast!
Wow. I am so incredibly torn by this Masocast.
I am positively thrilled for your guest, that he is finally finding an outlet and exploring his nature after a lifetime of denial. The sense of wonderment in his voice is unequivocal. It’s hard to take even the first step of his journey, and I sense the impact it has on him from his voice.
(Disclaimer: I am a judgmental asshole.)
On the other hand, I think he’s setting himself up on a collision course with his wife. He’s cheating on her, plain and simple. The cheating may not be intercourse, but it’s certainly something more intimate and sexual than he is getting from his wife. No matter what story he is telling himself to get through this, there will likely be a day of reckoning with his spouse.
The truth is, he’s in a bad situation. He loves his wife, and yet he feels unfulfilled in the relationship. He’s tested the waters with her, and it sounds like she’s been pretty clear. My prediction – it will end in tears.
I’m glad he’s working through so much of this with a therapist. It helps to have a trusted source to get these things off your chest, to say out loud all those things you’ve been unable to say. Still, I think the generally permissive attitude of the therapist (“If it’s good for you, I’m good with it”) is a load of permissive crap.
This situation will never net out to something as simple as good or bad. Your guest is faced with a terrible decision – a sucker’s choice as it were: keep the marriage that he treasures, or go get his kink on and express his inner self.
And whether or not he admits it, he’s already made the choice. I wish him luck in telling his wife.
Not my favorite Masocast, but damn, it made me think.
Keep up the good work, and let us know how it turns out for your guest!
This interview and your guest are a great compliment to your already stellar archive. Please keep up the good work! That being said, I am happy to hear this story because I thought I was the only guy that had this type of a problem, what a relief. There is so much similarity to my situation and your guest’s that I felt I was looking in the mirror. I have been dealing with this for almost 4 years now and it has been quite a ride. There have been many great empowering experiences and many days filled with doubt and remorse. Overall things have balanced out, but the question remains; “Am I making the right choice”? Hopefully one day I will know the right answer but for now the direction I am heading works for me.
This was a wonderful podcast! One of the best yet! Axe asks the hard questions and the interviewee is an extremely candid and enthusiastic subject!
I enjoyed this one so much I posted an entry about it on my blog: http://hermajestysplaything.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-can-take-this.html
Keep up the good work Axe and thank you to Mistress Sade for posting about this on The Hang.
Warm regards to you both!
Kudos to you, Axe, for gracefully taking on a tricky interview, and to your guest for forthrightly sharing his ongoing evolution.